Local Revison: Wordiness

Saerilia "Untitled" 04/22/2011 via deviantart.com.  Attribution-Share Alike 3.0

Now, this is a difficult blog post because I have SO MANY wordy sections to choose from.  Keeping in mind that my project is a QRG, this probably isn't the best situation.  However, I have decided to focus on perhaps the wordiest of wordiest paragraphs in my essay soon to be QRG.  Take a look-a-roo below at my initial section. 

"The controversy began in New York City on a chilly November night as people rushed to the David H. Koch Theater in Lincoln Center to see the opening night of The Nutcracker, danced by the world-famous New York City Ballet. Inside the theater, among the eager ticket holders and soft, plush velvet seats, sat Alastair Macaulay, the chief dance critic for the New York Times. Wealthy patrons mulled about in the orchestra section, and the air was buzzing with conversation as everyone went to their seats. The lights dimmed and a hush draped over the audience. Macaulay's fingers gripped his smooth ball-point pen, ready to make notes. The expansive red curtains slowly wooshed open, the lights blazed on, and the ballet began.  Tchaikovsky's music rang through the air, and the dancers flew across the stage with the sort of grace and beauty that can only be achieved with hours of constant critiquing. Among the lights and costumes stands Jenifer Ringer in the prominent role of the Sugarplum Fairy.  In her light pink shimmering tutu, she confidently executes her steps, her pointe shoes flying across the stage.  And yet, Macaulay was still unimpressed. In fact, despite the masterful performance, he scrutinized the physical appearance of the elegant Ringer and her Cavalier Jared Angle. His pen flew across the page, but what it had to say was anything but a positive review."

 Now the new and improved, slightly less wordy introduction...

"The controversy began in New York City on a November night as people rushed to the David H. Koch Theater in Lincoln Center to see the opening night of The Nutcracker, danced by the New York City Ballet. In the theater, among the eager ticket holders and soft, plush velvet seats, sat Alastair Macaulay, the chief dance critic for the New York Times. Wealthy patrons mulled about, and the air buzzed with conversation as everyone found their seats. The lights dimmed and a hush draped over the audience. Macaulay gripped his ball-point pen, ready to make notes. The expansive red curtains wooshed open, the lights blazed on, and the ballet began.  Tchaikovsky's music rang through the air, and the dancers flew across the stage. Among the lights and costumes stands Jenifer Ringer as the Sugarplum Fairy.  In her light pink shimmering tutu, she confidently executes her steps, her pointe shoes skimming across the stage.  And yet, Macaulay was still unimpressed. Despite the masterful performance, he scrutinized the physical appearance of the elegant Ringer and her Cavalier Jared Angle. His pen hits the page, but what it had to say was anything but a positive review."

Trying to look at it from an audience perspective, I believe I deleted a lot of details that are nice, but not pertinent in getting the point across to the reader.  There were also phrases that could easily be condensed down to one or two words, or removed entirely.   It is still a little to big, but I'm wondering if I could break it up a little more by inserting a graphical element.  Overall, I believe that is more concise for the reader.